Old Cheese -- D

The Dutch have a fine cheesemaking tradition so I don’t know why they do it. They produce one of the best cheeses in the world: Aged gouda. Really aged gouda is amazing, like addictive cheese candy. It’s sweet like caramel, sharp, and salty: three of the best tastes in the whole world. I routinely eat it until it gives me a stomach ache but I don’t care. It has to be aged three or four years to be that good, and there are many producers. The ones from North Holland (including Saenkanter) are supposed to be the best because of the grass up there, but honestly, it’s hard to go wrong with anything aged over 3 years.

But I guess since they are not French or Italian, and lacking the name-controls and international cheese respect those countries have, they feel like they have to try harder So they come up with the worst names and marketing campaigns in the whole world of cheese.*

The Dutch however, consistently come up with things that make me groan. First off, there’s Parrano. I may have mentioned this before but even though I love eating the cheese their marketing campaigns annoy and embarrass me. Parrano is a 9 month-ish Dutch gouda with added starter cultures from Italian cheese. It’s a nice cheese, just starting to get that aged gouda sweetness. I’m happy to sell and eat it.

But man, their first slogan was "Parrano: the Dutch cheese that thinks it’s Italian". Personally, I wouldn’t buy a cheese that had such identity issues and obviously needed therapy. On the other hand, who am I to say that a cheese can’t transition if it truly feels it is Italian, not Dutch? I fully support the right of trans-cheese to self-identify. But if this is indeed the case, the slogan belittles those desires by referring to Parrano as "Dutch" first, implying a naturalistic definition of country-of-origin and that Parrano’s self-identification is somehow not real or valid. Either way: bad slogan.

But even worse was "Move over Parmesan, here comes Parrano!" I’m sensing marketing make-work job for someone’s slow cousin here. 1. It tastes nothing like Parmigiano Reggiano 2. I do like it better than domestic parmesan but people will be surprised if their spaghetti is really sweet all of a sudden and 3. Do you think we’re stupid?

That didn’t last long and we soon got "Sort of Italian". This is the most mysterious of all. My reaction is, "Look, if you don’t know where this cheese came from, why should I buy it?" When I hear this slogan I also feel like it’s going to be delivered out of the trunk of someone’s car. This is not a slogan that inspires confidence.

Many Dutch cheese names don’t inspire confidence either. The newest one is Beemster which none of us has been able to say without adding ", Dude" at the end. It’s attempting to take some market share away from Old Amsterdam which has the taste of an 18th month gouda. Again a perfectly fine cheese, Dude. Another one with a similar flavor profile is called "Aged for You". Anticipating the Abbot and Costello** routine:

"What’s this cheese called?"
"It’s Aged for You"
"Don’t be condescending, I asked you what this cheese is called"
"It’s Aged for You"

I named it "Dutch one year aged gouda" when putting it on file.

One company also named a couple of their other cheeses Prima Donna, completely unaware, (and I know this because I asked), that Prima Donna can have a negative connotation in English.

"Do you know what most people think when they hear the name of this cheese?"
(in Dutch accent) "It is the Prima Donna, the best cheese"
"No, they think this cheese is spoiled and has an attitude problem"

There’s also the straight up implied association angle. One excellent cheese, available aged 9 months or 3 years, named itself "Roomano". That’s right, not "Romano" the world’s best known aged sheep cheese, but "Roomano". There was confusion and chaos in the cheese aisle. Sheep cheese mixing with cow cheese. Dutch and Italian identity confusion. I ended up dropping it until they changed its name to Pradera, another meaningless name, but a less confusing one.

My least favorite Dutch named cheese is the most popular Dutch sheep milk cheese other than the Lamb Chopper which is sold under the Cypress Grove label. Guaranteed to embarrass cheesemongers everywhere by invoking a dreaded cheese pun. Can you guess?

Ewephoria. Ewephoria. Ewephoria! I wish I had just re-named it "Dutch sheep gouda" when I had the chance.




*At least on a consistent basis. "Fromage a Trois" from Cypress Grove is my least favorite of all time. But they are redeemed by also producing "Humbolt Fog", one of the best named cheeses.

**See, if I was Dutch I’d make some cheese pun like Abbey and Castello.

Mt. Kawukum

I know that the chance that anything will happen is non-existent but did people see this article about the fight to change the name of Mt. Diablo?

For outsiders, Mt. Diablo is the highest point in the Bay Area, a beautiful California landmark. I don’t know that the fact that a confused Christian can actually get a name change considered by the Federal Government means anything really. They don’t go into the process that triggers a call for public comment, it could just be that it makes saying "fuck off" a little easier. But The Chron does mention other street names getting changed for their Satanic Diablo names. And let us not forget the changing of Gay Court to High Eagle Road in the height of the ACT-UP era. I've found name-change fights fascinating ever since.

But what is more of an honor to Christianity than honoring one of its prime mythical beliefs as the name of the most visible Mountain in one of the country’s biggest metropolitan areas? Seriously. Does this moron think atheists, Jews, or Satanists named this mountain? Even before reading the article, one would assume it dated from the Mission times and that it indeed supports Christianity by channeling an ideological concept (albeit in Spanish) into everyday use.

According to the Chron, the name does have a specific Catholic history :
The reference to "Diablo" can be traced back to 1804 or 1805, when the Spanish military visited the area in search of runaway mission Indians, according to the Mount Diablo Interpretive Association. At a willow thicket near present-day Buchanan Field in Concord, soldiers surrounded a village but the Indians escaped. The Spanish called the site Monte del Diablo, or thicket of the devil. And later, it was assumed that "monte" meant "mountain."

Yes it’s true. That evil Satan allowed the Indian slaves to escape. That horrific act, which could only be attributed to supernatural intervention against the good intentions of the Spanish military, must be remembered forever.

If only. Instead, it’s a thorn in the side of a Christian hiker, who, ignoring all historical context, attempts to speak for all Christians:
"When I look at that mountain, I see beauty, an entity that was not created by the devil," Mijares said. "The devil does nothing but rob, cheat, steal and kill (and, evidently, rescue Indian slaves. –ed) That is his nature. I've known about this for years, but I've now decided it is time to act."

Not only that. He wants to name the Mountain after its Indian name: Mt Kawukum. Maybe he does get it. Maybe he’s trying to undo a historical injustice. Maybe he’s upset at the linkage of Christian tradition and the eradication of the native people of California.

Nah. According to a little quick internet research, the Volvon Tribe, to whom the proposed name "Mt. Kawukum" is attributed when someone bothers trying to attribute it, were killed off by the Missionaries so no one knows what they called it. The word is in no dictionaries of Californian Indian languages and the "original name theory" was debunked in a 1989 issue of American Indian Quarterly. It was used to market real estate in the early 20th Century though.

Besides, if Mijares really wanted to honor the native people of that area, maybe he’d be interested in toppling the huge statue of Junipero Serra, the founder of the areas missions. It stands above the busy 280 freeway, pointing at those escaped Indians as if to say, "You can’t hide. I’m gonna find you heathen Motherfuckers someday."