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A cause of affliction or calamity
Sep. 22nd, 2003 10:16 amI woke up this morning with a word in my head. That word is "scourge" and my favorite definition of it is the title of this entry. I began reflecting on what scourges have affected my life. It is with that in mind that I’ve decided to do a post on one of the worst scourges for any "up and coming" urban neighborhood: theme restaurants.
Now, I’m not talking about big chains or places like Hooters or anything. I mean hip, trendy restaurants that almost by definition last no more than a few months or a year, but can change a street dramatically by making it a wacky destination for people from outside the neighborhood. I’m not even trying to make a big point about gentrification here. It’s usually well on its way by the time a themed business wants to open up. There’s just something unsettling about a place of business that makes the locals shake their heads in wonder, but draws, or attempts to draw, fancy people dismayed at the lack of valet parking at the same time they’re thrilled at the "danger" of walking past the urban decay with their dates.*
When I lived at Valencia and 16th in the House of Failure, that area was ground zero for theme restaurants. I actually got into my first internet flame war on the SF Bay Guardian site about Take Orders a military-themed restaurant that replaced Aunt Mary’s my favorite diner in the whole Bay Area. I try so hard to not be dogmatic, but a military-themed restaurant is just wrong. Unless of course they’re going to go all the way and do it institutional cafeteria-style or just serve everyone those GI "Meals Ready to Eat". And they could play bloody war footage or clips from war movies on big screen TVs too.
But I digress.
My first exposure to theme-businesses was military one also. When I lived in an upstate NY college town, someone opened a frat bar called the Bomb Shelter in the locals’ part of town. The painted it camouflage and had waitress in short, breast-displaying camo outfits. Late one night![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jactitation and I were awakened by a banging on our window. After the obligatory what-the-fuck?s, I opened the shade to see a huge, burning American flag. Two giddy friends were waving it and nearly setting Jacco’s apartment on fire. After spray-painting the Bomb Shelter with the slogan "War is not a happy hour!", they stole the bar’s huge flag and were destroying the evidence.
But the Valencia and 16th restaurant that really made the whole concept seem hateful was when Moptops opened beneath my beloved and behated House of Failure. Thankfully I had moved out a few months previously when the retail space had been a techno-ish sushi "club", so I got to witness Moptops from afar. And really, the concept is kind of amusing when you think about it. A Mersey Beat-themed oyster bar? I know when I wanna eat some bivalves, I think of the fresh, clean waters of Liverpool, England. Yum.
It was run by a Japanese junkie with a Beatles haircut who eventually got caught by health inspectors shooting up in the kitchen. Double yum.
The theme restaurant scourge seems unstoppable for awhile. So much so, thatjactitation and I spent hours at bars dreaming up new theme restaurants that we could open and make huge profits only to close them down a year later and open a new one. You gotta keep it fresh, you know. We discovered that every institutional setting has potential.
My favorites?**
The Hospital White and sterile and staffed by hot nurses and doctors.*** Customers lie in beds. TVs are mounted on the walls and ceilings showing cool music videos. Walkers would be issued if one needs to use the restroom. At the bar, drinks are served via IV.
The Library Books on all the tables. Main counter looking like a reference desk. Service staff dressed in modified librarian drag: glasses and sensible clothes modified with slit skirts and important cleavage cuts. Meals would be served in backpacks and you have to sneak your food while the "librarians" aren’t looking.
High School Cafeteria style. No wait people, but staff is hired to act like Jocks, Nerds, Drama Kids, and Stoners. You get your food and try to find an open seat while different cliques belittle you based on your appearance. One randomly timed food fight per night, but spitwads can be fired at anytime. Possible crossover with the splosh (not work-safe) crowd.
But really, I just don’t have the drive to open a horrible restaurant for horrible people. If anyone wants to open any of these places, you have my blessing. 5% each off the top for Jacco and myself would just be common courtesy though.
*One of my favorite, now closed, restaurants was the Korean Cabin on Mission and 18th. It was reviewed positively in the Chronicle but the reviewer actually said something to the effect of, "There’s no parking, so hold your briefcases and handbags tight on your way to the restaurant."
**Please feel free to post your own themes as comments. It’s really fun once you get going.
***Sexist yes. But the theme restaurant relies on dominant cultural references if it is to succeed. This whole exercise was a cynical ploy to fund the revolution. Or at least to let me escape working for a living.
Now, I’m not talking about big chains or places like Hooters or anything. I mean hip, trendy restaurants that almost by definition last no more than a few months or a year, but can change a street dramatically by making it a wacky destination for people from outside the neighborhood. I’m not even trying to make a big point about gentrification here. It’s usually well on its way by the time a themed business wants to open up. There’s just something unsettling about a place of business that makes the locals shake their heads in wonder, but draws, or attempts to draw, fancy people dismayed at the lack of valet parking at the same time they’re thrilled at the "danger" of walking past the urban decay with their dates.*
When I lived at Valencia and 16th in the House of Failure, that area was ground zero for theme restaurants. I actually got into my first internet flame war on the SF Bay Guardian site about Take Orders a military-themed restaurant that replaced Aunt Mary’s my favorite diner in the whole Bay Area. I try so hard to not be dogmatic, but a military-themed restaurant is just wrong. Unless of course they’re going to go all the way and do it institutional cafeteria-style or just serve everyone those GI "Meals Ready to Eat". And they could play bloody war footage or clips from war movies on big screen TVs too.
But I digress.
My first exposure to theme-businesses was military one also. When I lived in an upstate NY college town, someone opened a frat bar called the Bomb Shelter in the locals’ part of town. The painted it camouflage and had waitress in short, breast-displaying camo outfits. Late one night
jactitation and I were awakened by a banging on our window. After the obligatory what-the-fuck?s, I opened the shade to see a huge, burning American flag. Two giddy friends were waving it and nearly setting Jacco’s apartment on fire. After spray-painting the Bomb Shelter with the slogan "War is not a happy hour!", they stole the bar’s huge flag and were destroying the evidence. But the Valencia and 16th restaurant that really made the whole concept seem hateful was when Moptops opened beneath my beloved and behated House of Failure. Thankfully I had moved out a few months previously when the retail space had been a techno-ish sushi "club", so I got to witness Moptops from afar. And really, the concept is kind of amusing when you think about it. A Mersey Beat-themed oyster bar? I know when I wanna eat some bivalves, I think of the fresh, clean waters of Liverpool, England. Yum.
It was run by a Japanese junkie with a Beatles haircut who eventually got caught by health inspectors shooting up in the kitchen. Double yum.
The theme restaurant scourge seems unstoppable for awhile. So much so, that
jactitation and I spent hours at bars dreaming up new theme restaurants that we could open and make huge profits only to close them down a year later and open a new one. You gotta keep it fresh, you know. We discovered that every institutional setting has potential.My favorites?**
The Hospital White and sterile and staffed by hot nurses and doctors.*** Customers lie in beds. TVs are mounted on the walls and ceilings showing cool music videos. Walkers would be issued if one needs to use the restroom. At the bar, drinks are served via IV.
The Library Books on all the tables. Main counter looking like a reference desk. Service staff dressed in modified librarian drag: glasses and sensible clothes modified with slit skirts and important cleavage cuts. Meals would be served in backpacks and you have to sneak your food while the "librarians" aren’t looking.
High School Cafeteria style. No wait people, but staff is hired to act like Jocks, Nerds, Drama Kids, and Stoners. You get your food and try to find an open seat while different cliques belittle you based on your appearance. One randomly timed food fight per night, but spitwads can be fired at anytime. Possible crossover with the splosh (not work-safe) crowd.
But really, I just don’t have the drive to open a horrible restaurant for horrible people. If anyone wants to open any of these places, you have my blessing. 5% each off the top for Jacco and myself would just be common courtesy though.
*One of my favorite, now closed, restaurants was the Korean Cabin on Mission and 18th. It was reviewed positively in the Chronicle but the reviewer actually said something to the effect of, "There’s no parking, so hold your briefcases and handbags tight on your way to the restaurant."
**Please feel free to post your own themes as comments. It’s really fun once you get going.
***Sexist yes. But the theme restaurant relies on dominant cultural references if it is to succeed. This whole exercise was a cynical ploy to fund the revolution. Or at least to let me escape working for a living.
