Dear Exene,
Sep. 23rd, 2004 08:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gordonzolaDear Exene,
I’ve always loved your music . X was , and is, one of my favorite bands, one of the things worth surviving high school for. I just want to let you know that back in 1982 or whatever, I talked a lot of shit about "Under the Big Black Sun" and I’m sorry about it now. I’m sure I used words like "sell-out", "too slow", and "not punk enough". Yes, I’m embarrassed about it now. What do you want? I was only 14 or whatever. I said I was sorry.
My friend Rachael and I went to see you guys play on that tour. We went to the Petaluma show at the Phoenix Theater. You were pretty drunk. I think you fell down a couple of times and you got mad at some people for no reason I could tell. But it was still amazing. You may have been holding onto the mike stand for your own safety but I was entranced.
But when you played the new songs I was just hoping you’d get through them fast. I know I wasn’t the only one. The crowd was fairly subdued for awhile, getting excited only when we heard the opening chords for "We’re Desperate". I still remember the gay couple next to me in the pit. That was still a novelty for me then but I remember it as one of those little moments that put cracks in the beliefs I grew up with. They grabbed each other by the neck, like we did sometimes in the early ‘80s at punk shows, and spun each other around yelling the words so loud I heard them better than you. "Last night everything broke! … We’re desperate! Get used to it!" I was touched but I’m sure I didn’t show it.
Like I said, I went with my friend Rachael. I’m not totally clear on the chronology, but I’m pretty sure that was about the time when I didn’t know her too well but realized I had a massive crush on her. She went everywhere with her camera but they wouldn’t let her take it inside. She got caught trying to sneak it in. She hid it under the seat of my parents’ station wagon and stressed about it the entire show. But for once we hung out together instead of her running around taking photos and meeting other crazy punk rockers who I probably got stupidly jealous of.
We were right up against the stage, crammed against it every time another wave of thrashers broke against the front row. John Doe was dripping sweat on us. I was trying to protect her a little. Rachael was small, I didn’t understand anorexia then, but I could see her bones an new she bruised easily. In retrospect, I’m sure there was an icky, protective-guy aspect to it, but it was still the right thing to do.
Anyway Exene, I’ve seen you drunk, I’ve seen you sober. I’ve good nights for your band and I’ve seen a bad one though I think that was pretty rare. But that night was amazing. You were singing for yourself more than anyone else and it was obvious. I’m not sure you had your eyes open for more than grabbing your drink or yelling at someone from the crowd for getting too close to you. But I could tell you meant everything you said. Even if it didn’t mean as much to me.
After Rachael died, I tried to bring back memories from an album, not yours, that we listened to a lot together. But it didn’t work. Maybe the album wasn’t ever good enough. Maybe I outgrew it. maybe I tried to force it too much.
But I was traveling through Michigan about a month ago. I bought a CD of "Under the Big Black Sun" on a whim, my tape of it long gone to wherever all those missing tapes go. I knew your sister died before you recorded it but it wasn’t until then that I realized it was an album of mourning. There are bits and pieces of your grief all over the songs. I, not the car, broke down while driving on the interstate. Your song about your sister’s funeral made me cry even though I’d heard it hundreds of times before. Well, actually, I used to fast forward it a lot back in the old days. But still, I thought I’d wrung out any emotion I was gonna get from it.
I will admit that I always heard "Flies and relations make an annoying sound" as the more pedantic "Lies and religion make an annoying sound". But actually the latter was more appropriate to Rachael’s funeral so I sang it that way in the car. With my bad voice echoing. With the windows closed because it was too hot to not use the air conditioning.
Well, this turned out longer than I intended, Exene. Thanks for reading this far. Thanks for not getting mad that I never really talked about this album with you before. You probably knew that I was lucky enough not to understand it. Thanks for making it so it’s here now that I need it.
Your Pal,
Gordonzola
I’ve always loved your music . X was , and is, one of my favorite bands, one of the things worth surviving high school for. I just want to let you know that back in 1982 or whatever, I talked a lot of shit about "Under the Big Black Sun" and I’m sorry about it now. I’m sure I used words like "sell-out", "too slow", and "not punk enough". Yes, I’m embarrassed about it now. What do you want? I was only 14 or whatever. I said I was sorry.
My friend Rachael and I went to see you guys play on that tour. We went to the Petaluma show at the Phoenix Theater. You were pretty drunk. I think you fell down a couple of times and you got mad at some people for no reason I could tell. But it was still amazing. You may have been holding onto the mike stand for your own safety but I was entranced.
But when you played the new songs I was just hoping you’d get through them fast. I know I wasn’t the only one. The crowd was fairly subdued for awhile, getting excited only when we heard the opening chords for "We’re Desperate". I still remember the gay couple next to me in the pit. That was still a novelty for me then but I remember it as one of those little moments that put cracks in the beliefs I grew up with. They grabbed each other by the neck, like we did sometimes in the early ‘80s at punk shows, and spun each other around yelling the words so loud I heard them better than you. "Last night everything broke! … We’re desperate! Get used to it!" I was touched but I’m sure I didn’t show it.
Like I said, I went with my friend Rachael. I’m not totally clear on the chronology, but I’m pretty sure that was about the time when I didn’t know her too well but realized I had a massive crush on her. She went everywhere with her camera but they wouldn’t let her take it inside. She got caught trying to sneak it in. She hid it under the seat of my parents’ station wagon and stressed about it the entire show. But for once we hung out together instead of her running around taking photos and meeting other crazy punk rockers who I probably got stupidly jealous of.
We were right up against the stage, crammed against it every time another wave of thrashers broke against the front row. John Doe was dripping sweat on us. I was trying to protect her a little. Rachael was small, I didn’t understand anorexia then, but I could see her bones an new she bruised easily. In retrospect, I’m sure there was an icky, protective-guy aspect to it, but it was still the right thing to do.
Anyway Exene, I’ve seen you drunk, I’ve seen you sober. I’ve good nights for your band and I’ve seen a bad one though I think that was pretty rare. But that night was amazing. You were singing for yourself more than anyone else and it was obvious. I’m not sure you had your eyes open for more than grabbing your drink or yelling at someone from the crowd for getting too close to you. But I could tell you meant everything you said. Even if it didn’t mean as much to me.
After Rachael died, I tried to bring back memories from an album, not yours, that we listened to a lot together. But it didn’t work. Maybe the album wasn’t ever good enough. Maybe I outgrew it. maybe I tried to force it too much.
But I was traveling through Michigan about a month ago. I bought a CD of "Under the Big Black Sun" on a whim, my tape of it long gone to wherever all those missing tapes go. I knew your sister died before you recorded it but it wasn’t until then that I realized it was an album of mourning. There are bits and pieces of your grief all over the songs. I, not the car, broke down while driving on the interstate. Your song about your sister’s funeral made me cry even though I’d heard it hundreds of times before. Well, actually, I used to fast forward it a lot back in the old days. But still, I thought I’d wrung out any emotion I was gonna get from it.
I will admit that I always heard "Flies and relations make an annoying sound" as the more pedantic "Lies and religion make an annoying sound". But actually the latter was more appropriate to Rachael’s funeral so I sang it that way in the car. With my bad voice echoing. With the windows closed because it was too hot to not use the air conditioning.
Well, this turned out longer than I intended, Exene. Thanks for reading this far. Thanks for not getting mad that I never really talked about this album with you before. You probably knew that I was lucky enough not to understand it. Thanks for making it so it’s here now that I need it.
Your Pal,
Gordonzola
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no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 09:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 09:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 09:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 09:19 am (UTC)..the car warms up..the street is clear..
Date: 2004-09-23 09:25 am (UTC)so..um..yeah..
:)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 09:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 09:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 09:50 am (UTC)I thinkit was last year when I was watching Decline of Western Civilization and when Exene and John Doe appeared on the screen and were so YOUNG. Just amazingly fresh and babyfaced....
I burst into tears.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 08:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 10:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 08:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 10:26 am (UTC)And I love that album.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 08:39 pm (UTC)Re: more questions...
Date: 2004-09-23 08:39 pm (UTC)Re: more questions...
Date: 2004-09-24 05:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 01:40 pm (UTC)Send it!
no subject
Date: 2004-09-24 05:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 08:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 02:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 03:54 pm (UTC)Anyone know who did the original of Dancing..? I've always wondered.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 04:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-24 05:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-24 05:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-24 05:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-24 05:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 09:14 pm (UTC)i have my own grief album, a far more recent release, but every song on it is for me a chapter in the story of the bitter end of a period of my life, including my divorce. it's really hard for me to express how it makes me feel or why it moves me so, but your words about your own feelings for your grief album do a damn fine job of explaining mine. thanks.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-24 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 10:59 pm (UTC)