Old cheese- F is for Feta

[gordonzola]

I always think we carry too many fetas but people just keep buying them. Greek, French goat French sheep, Bulgarian, Danish, local goat, organic goat, organic cow, all of ‘em sell well.

Feta is a brined cheese. It’s so salty it sometimes comes in actually floating in its buoyant water. The brine can be incredibly vicious, burning the hands and arms of ill-prepared cheese workers. Gloves are needed, especially for the Bulgarian one, to avoid full-on rashes that can last for days. It’s also why most retailers rinse the cheese before selling it.

The Bulgarian, our best seller, recently changed from impressive, dented, quatra-lingual, metal tins to plastic containers. Aesthetically, I find this tragic but the cheese has become much more predictable, and the brine less toxic. Often distributors fetishize unpredictability as proof of non-industrial production. But there’s good and bad unpredictability. The old Bulgarian would alternate between perfectly good salty, sheepy, sharp, crumbly cheese and inedible, mommy-it-burns!, salt-crystalled, eggy wedges that tasted like poison. Unpredictability in a factory-made cheese is a very, very bad sign.

Plus it would often come in topped with a thick gelatinous puddle of seeped cheese and salt which we always referred to as "jizz’. Bulgarians also must be an unusually hirsute people based on the number of "arm" hairs we’ve found over the years. But it’s probably best not to think too long on that. Personally I welcome the Bulgarians into the 1960’s and applaud their use of space-age plastic.

Feta might be the most self-explanatory of all cheese. It’s simple, salty and milky, and anyone can figure out what to do with it. Whether or not we can continue to call it feta though is something of a debate. The Greeks have protested, and lost, repeatedly in the WTO that "feta" should only be used for Greek cheese and everyone else should have to call theirs "brined white cheese". Seems a little late for that. It’s like closing the milking room door after the sheep have left. Or something.

(Edit: the incredibly talented anarqueso used the phrase "Incredibly hirsute" to describe the Bulgarian cheesemakers in a post two years ago. She obviously deserves the credit for that phrase since no one had ever called Bulgarians "hirsute" previously. No, seriously, though we all shared the pain of the bulgarian feta cans, she did beat me to describing some of the above. However the brine gave me worse rashes so I believe I should be able to claim all of the above due to my personal anguish.)

Comments

[loolica.livejournal.com]

i'm dying of mirth over here. arm hairs! 1960s!

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

"arm" hairs. and I live to mirth you.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

They're really beard hairs. Does that help?

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Although maybe I should specify beard-of-the-chin?

[loolica.livejournal.com]

ok, no. the "" take me somewhere far far away from mirth. i choose to overlook them.

[jwz.livejournal.com]

Are you implying that bulgarians pack their cheese in the nude?

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

like I said, I think it's probably best not to think about it.

[susanstinson.livejournal.com]

That is a seriously graphic cheese entry.

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

well it's worth it if it brings you out of the woodwork.

[marialuminous.livejournal.com]

I just developed a nervous twitch/ gag reflex while thinking about "arm" hairs in cheese.

Thanks a lot.

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

hee hee

[liveavatar.livejournal.com]

This entry is sensual, filthy, and fascinating, and I pat it. (Then I run to the sink and wash my hands.)

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

ah, but the smell will stay with you.

[purejuice.livejournal.com]

bulgarian feta. oh boy. i can hardly wait to eat some.

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

It's cheap!

[ayodele.livejournal.com]

everytime you post about bulgarian feta it makes me reaffirm my committment to feta from like, wisconsin.

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

awww they only make it from cows there. oh yeah, that's right. I forgot you only like cow cheese.

[externaltext.livejournal.com]

this post ruled! makes me wanna read about&eat cheese every day, and dude, i'm lactose intolerant.
sincerely,
a fan

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

ya know, i was thinking about you the other day. I saw some comments because I was going through old entries. And I think you should keep the name August Spies.

[magpiesf.livejournal.com]

so are you going to be selling off your hoarded bulgarian metal feta shipping containers as collectors items?

plastic. its just not the same. theres got to be a middle ground - maybe one *with* metal packing and *without* armpits hairs in gelatin.

[morty-baby.livejournal.com]

I used to like feta, yesterday.

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

hahaha. Embrace it Morty. We know you still love it, really.

[morty-baby.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I do. I'd gladly eat it with armhairs in it. I stick lumps of feta on a plate and melt them in the microwave and then peel then off in leetle disks and scarf them down, savoring the melty, salty, HAIRY goodness. Please don't tell anyone.

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

"arm" hairs.

[morty-baby.livejournal.com]

I meant armchairs.

[anarqueso.livejournal.com]

Oh, oooh, now you actually are ripping me off! "incredibly hirsute"??? Snide comments about slowly advancing packaging technology??

You're just lucky you've been feeding me well, punk. (http://www.livejournal.com/users/anarqueso/38013.html)

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

ha. I hadn't read that for ages. It's not like we didn't share that experience. Did you write "incredibly hirsute"? probably. It sounds like something you'd write.

I left off the buggery because that you got on your own.

Actually, I plug your journal all the time just to encourage you to write more so that I'll have more material to rip off. Did I tell you about my mime boyfriend with a broken neck?

[anarqueso.livejournal.com]

Incredibly, hirsute matched hir shoes and tie.

[dairryiere.livejournal.com]

The one thing I loved when I made feta was the giant white plastic shovel I used to scoop the curd into the boxes the cheese molds.

I did notice quite a bit of arm hair on the Bulgarians I used to work with in the cheese plant. We had 6 Bulgarians and 3 non-Bulgarian workers.

[sparkle-shortz.livejournal.com]

Is "French goat French sheep" like some new-fangled gender identity?

I could have sworn there was a comma there...

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

But fuck you and your mammal determinism anyway. Can't they be both?

mammal determinist, me?

[sparkle-shortz.livejournal.com]

I'm post-species. I'm just trying to keep up, is all, so I know how to address peopl mammals.

Re: mammal determinist, me?

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

should we start a new community? post_species?

Re: mammal determinist, me?

[sparkle-shortz.livejournal.com]

I fear the probable interest of the furry and bestiality communities or I would be all over it.

[kneidlach.livejournal.com]

I've been crying nonstop for like 4 days now, so it is no small feat that this post made me giggle uncontrollably.

[arasay.livejournal.com]

I'd just like to point out that "jizz" actually refers to the weird foamy stuff that collects on the industrial slicer after you've done up a whole bologna for party platters at your local supermarket deli.

Just sayin'.

[clover44.livejournal.com]

Personally I welcome the Bulgarians into the 1960’s and applaud their use of space-age plastic

That made me laugh out loud!

I LOVE your cheese entries!!

[cheesetoast.livejournal.com]

do you like feta? given all your cheese options do you ever eat it. i'm with jeffrey steingarten on this one (he doesn't like it).

[tubyred.livejournal.com]

i had delicious feta toast this morning for breakfast. i can barely get enough of it.

[morty-baby.livejournal.com]

psst..hey you, have you seen this yet? I wept.
http://cheeseracing.atspace.com/
p.s. I thought of you in the shower this morning. Wheely!

[jainabee.livejournal.com]

Mmm, I just had some Bulgarian feta with my breakfast — it's my sweetie's favorite cheese. The only hair that he pulled out of the egg sandwich was one of my long pink hairs. I forgot to wear my paper hat!

[nunofthat.livejournal.com]

Nice entry, cheese man. I particularly "liked" the "arm" hair.

My Secret Shame

[cuervolinda.livejournal.com]

I suppose I shouldn't post here that I occasionally eat a Kraft single, on Wonder bread with mayo sandwich. <----My white trash roots are showing...

Re: My Secret Shame

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

oh please, like any of us in our store didn't grow up on that stuff.

But I Should Have OUTGROWN it By Now

[cuervolinda.livejournal.com]

I've noticed an odd trend in the last 2 years here in NYC. It's hip for nice restaurants (nice as in, not fast food, $25-40 per person for dinner) with a side or garnish of deep-fried tater tots. I think it's an offshoot of the hipster bars serving PBR. Get ready New York, next stop, Cheez Whiz in the can at the W Hotel bar.

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

Actually the EU just declared that only Greek feta can be called feta.

TK

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

Good thing we're Americans!

(I wonder what the Greeks will do with all that Italian feta brined white cheese they buy to export)