What Suzanne means to us

[gordonzola]

I know that it’s hard for some of us to get up this morning and act like everything is normal. But we must carry on. Suzanne would want us to.

For those of you who don’t know, Suzanne Somers mansion was destroyed by fire the other day. Being a self-described "glass half-full" kind of person I have no question she will bounce back.. But let’s take a moment to remember the great things Somers has given us.

It’s not just "Three’s Company", "She’s the Sheriff", and diet products. No, Suzanne is a poet.



Here is my favorite poem of hers, "Organic Girl" (Workman Publishing, 1973). Maybe someone should read it at the open mic on Friday.

Organic Girl

Organic girl dropped by last night
For nothing in particular
Except to tell me again how beautiful and serene she feels
On uncooked vegetables and wheat germ fortified by bean sprouts—
	Mixed with yeast and egg whites on really big days—
She not only meditates regularly, but looks at me like I should
And lectures me about meat and ice cream
And other aggressive foods I shouldn’t eat.
And she may well be intuitive
Because several times I have thought about cramming her 
Unadulterated peace beads down her throat

It isn’t simply that she called my pot roast—
	Simmering in gravy with
		Carrots and onions and potatoes—
An accumulation of obscene vibrations
Which could retard my sexuality
Nor did I really mind eating alone—and drinking—
While she munched on celery and crushed almonds—loudly—
	I might add—
And fed her puffy little kid mashed avocados and honey
Instead of something pornographic like milk,
Talking incessantly about the beauty of alpha waves,
The thrill of vitamin highs and spiritual excursions,
And the peace that finally hit her after all this searching,
While I was eating pot roast and drinking wine.
Whatever it was, when the aggressive fibers seemed 
to take hold
It suddenly began to dawn on my clogged up cells:
That organic girl and her love-everybody philosophy
Is not nearly as gentle as she is insensitive
	Not nearly as serene as she is bland and boring
	Not nearly as liberated as she is rude and intolerant
And despite her eminent diet and intercourse
	with pure alfalfa—
	Which well may do it for her—
She’s damned unhealthy looking!

Comments

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

I don't know what that is and google comes up with nothing.

[(Anonymous)]

Enuresis (Bed-Wetting)
http://familydoctor.org/366.xml

[metachromatik.livejournal.com]

that is the best poem i have ever read.

[jette.livejournal.com]

ha! That's brilliant. She's a relative of friend of mine, she says she's really an awesome and sweet person in real life.

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

But she made Janet cry!

[jette.livejournal.com]

Oh come on, Janet deserved it.

[anjibobanji.livejournal.com]

She is awesome, thanks for reminding me. I read her first book about ages ago and my favorite fact about SS is that she got pregnant with her first son without having intercourse! They were humping and it got on her chonies! True!

[anjibobanji.livejournal.com]

it = semen

[frandroid.livejournal.com]

BWAHAHAHA

[fightingwords.livejournal.com]

I hate you for making me read that.

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

awwwww.

[lemon-says.livejournal.com]

Okay, if you've read as much of the Wrath of the Crunchy Mothers in the AP parenting communities, the line And fed her puffy little kid mashed avocados and honey/Instead of something pornographic like milk would have made you laugh as hard as it did me. That's hilariously accurate.

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

no, no. I truly do love/hate that poem. She's right part of the time, (I'd be the firt to agree with the not liberated/but rude and intolerant equation) but I love that she wants, in the end, to beat up the hippie because she's weak and unhealthy. Sounds like she's supporting the Master Race!*



* For the record, I do not think that Suzanne Somers is really a Nazi.

[slutbunwalla.livejournal.com]

Heh, I thought that was great. Especially with the accompanying photo of her looking smarmily mainstream.
I guess eating meat is mainstream but who hasn't wanted to strangle the self righteous hippy in the room and their proclamations of superiority through lifestyle?

It reminds me of the Beck song Nightmare Hippy Girl

[zanyassmask.livejournal.com]

thank god for this. can one still find it anywhere?

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

looks like they are plentiful:

http://www.amazon.com/Touch-Me-Poems-Suzanne-Somers/dp/0894801414

age play? anti-vegan rants?

[elementa.livejournal.com]

34 years later and that shit is STILL relevant.

best post ever. now i want a copy.

[chreebomb.livejournal.com]

And she may well be intuitive
Because several times I have thought about cramming her
Unadulterated peace beads down her throat



best line ever.


oh and the dramatic line breaks with hyphens for not-readily-apparent reasons. i'm a big fan.