What Suzanne means to us

[gordonzola]

I know that it’s hard for some of us to get up this morning and act like everything is normal. But we must carry on. Suzanne would want us to.

For those of you who don’t know, Suzanne Somers mansion was destroyed by fire the other day. Being a self-described "glass half-full" kind of person I have no question she will bounce back.. But let’s take a moment to remember the great things Somers has given us.

It’s not just "Three’s Company", "She’s the Sheriff", and diet products. No, Suzanne is a poet.



Here is my favorite poem of hers, "Organic Girl" (Workman Publishing, 1973). Maybe someone should read it at the open mic on Friday.

Organic Girl

Organic girl dropped by last night
For nothing in particular
Except to tell me again how beautiful and serene she feels
On uncooked vegetables and wheat germ fortified by bean sprouts—
	Mixed with yeast and egg whites on really big days—
She not only meditates regularly, but looks at me like I should
And lectures me about meat and ice cream
And other aggressive foods I shouldn’t eat.
And she may well be intuitive
Because several times I have thought about cramming her 
Unadulterated peace beads down her throat

It isn’t simply that she called my pot roast—
	Simmering in gravy with
		Carrots and onions and potatoes—
An accumulation of obscene vibrations
Which could retard my sexuality
Nor did I really mind eating alone—and drinking—
While she munched on celery and crushed almonds—loudly—
	I might add—
And fed her puffy little kid mashed avocados and honey
Instead of something pornographic like milk,
Talking incessantly about the beauty of alpha waves,
The thrill of vitamin highs and spiritual excursions,
And the peace that finally hit her after all this searching,
While I was eating pot roast and drinking wine.
Whatever it was, when the aggressive fibers seemed 
to take hold
It suddenly began to dawn on my clogged up cells:
That organic girl and her love-everybody philosophy
Is not nearly as gentle as she is insensitive
	Not nearly as serene as she is bland and boring
	Not nearly as liberated as she is rude and intolerant
And despite her eminent diet and intercourse
	with pure alfalfa—
	Which well may do it for her—
She’s damned unhealthy looking!

Comments

[nationofsheep.livejournal.com]

That's the best poem ever!

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Good thing the fire didn't look at californiacoastline.org, or it would have been led right to Streisand's house, too.

That's brilliant!

[tristan-crane.livejournal.com]

Reminds me of this girl my former roomate used to bring over who ate only fruit + vegetables. She wasn't bland or boring, but I (a lifelong vegetarian, mind you) was dying tø shove a sandwich down the frail thing's throat.

[abrichar.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's, uh... something else, that right there. Yeah.

Not quite the caliber of Theophile Marzials' A Tragedy (http://abrichar.livejournal.com/40664.html), mind you, but gloriously rotten nonetheless.

PS - I've always had to just type 'em in manually to get the spacing to stick. Semagic and the web interface seem to clear out the whitespace.

[susanstinson.livejournal.com]

Uh. Wow.

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

I love that she wanted to cram the beads down her throat because she looked unhealthy.

It's a masterpiece of some sort.

accumulation of obscene vibrations

[erinmack.livejournal.com]

What is she doing acting with verse like this? Time to quit your dayjob and grace the literary world with your gifts, Suzie-Q!

another pic

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

This accompanies the poem "Sometimes I Want to be a Little Girl"

Re: another pic

[dirtylibrarian.livejournal.com]

That makes me want to be a little girl. Or at least dress up like one.

I've never actually read any of her poetry, but this was really quite pleasing.

Kinda makes me want to brave the snow and hike to the grocery store for a pot roast.

[plee.livejournal.com]

This is hilarious. I'd never have thought that Suzanne had it in her.

[trixiefirecat.livejournal.com]

but didn't you see the E! true hollywood story of three's company? suzanne is a total bitch! she made janet cry!

[postmaudlin.livejournal.com]

but gordon, did you catch her quote on that? she said somehting to the effect of it could be worse, her glass is half-full, (this part verbatim): "i could have a son or daughter in iraq."

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

yeah, I did see that. Should we decide that was an anti-war statement and stand with our rvolutionary sister?

You know, maybe it was because I saw you perform the other night, but I read this poem to myself with your style and cadence and it's even funnier!

for once, I have an appropriate icon

[deadletters.livejournal.com]

I think the mansion committed suicide trying to get the poetry books out.

html only recognizes a space at a time, and ignores the line starters, you have to fudge it

[gwenzilla.livejournal.com]

put one   for each space you want. that might stand for non-breaking space, but I'm just guessing.

Re: html only recognizes a space at a time, and ignores the line starters, you have to fudge it

[slit.livejournal.com]

Does the Old Skool < pre > tag still work? Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder about that.

[crazyrants.livejournal.com]

i wonder if her poetry includes any thighmaster haikus

[trixiefirecat.livejournal.com]

oh come on, suzanne, you couldn't just come out and SAY that to me?
somebody needs her own livejournal!!!

[masscooper.livejournal.com]

I'm honestly giggling about Suzanne Somers & obscene vibrations.

[twostepsfwd.livejournal.com]

You just made my day!

[dcart.livejournal.com]

I have to admit to looking at this whole thing differently than you do. She writes a poem hating on granola types. I like that. And as someone else pointed out, she took a pretty level headed view on losing her house, basically saying "it's just stuff, no one died, we'll be fine, it's not like I lost a child in Iraq".

I'm not exactly a fan. She's kind of a cartoon, but the two things you hit on here seem to be some of her better points.

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

I'm just presenting the facts to the world. Please make your own judgements. I'm Switzerland here.

[thisisthenow.livejournal.com]

Suzanne is truly the W.B. Yeats of our time.

[mistersmearcase.livejournal.com]

She also gave us a broadway show that ran for 9 performances. That's only four more than the musical of Carrie, broadway's most famous flop!

[morty-baby.livejournal.com]

I kinda like that poem, mister. Don't be hatin' on the sister.

(hey... that rhymed and it was an ACCIDENT)

[cindymonkey.livejournal.com]

a call has been issued

http://cindymonkey.livejournal.com/686693.html

if no one takes the bait are you gonna read it?

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

not sure how well it reads coming from, ya know, a dude.

[und1sk0.livejournal.com]

the proverbial "coffee through the nose" moment of this morning.

Cram It! Cram It!

[sarahshevett.livejournal.com]

I gotta say I loved that poem.
However, pot roast has been changed for me forever. I never knew it was such a poetic phrase!

[existentialista.livejournal.com]

she brought to us such legacies as the thighmaster, somercize and lets not forget her role in american graffiti as the hot blonde in the t-bird...

[existentialista.livejournal.com]

oh, and i forgot this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Suzanne-Somers-Slim-Sexy-Forever/dp/1400053250

[albatrossity.livejournal.com]

I'm horribly jealous that you have this book in your house. That was surprisingly awesome if unartistic.

[gordonzola.livejournal.com]

I've also got Leonard Nimoy's "Come Be with Me" book of poetry. I can't wait until tragedy strikes him. ;)

[chitinous.livejournal.com]

OMG, thank you!! Best bathroom reading ever.