Me and Lance at 40

[gordonzola]

I don't want to be maudlin or go for an easy emotional cliché. But my 40th birthday party will always be linked to Lance's death. I don't think that's awful (though Lance's death is certainly awful)… life and death intertwined… a milestone birthday and confrontation with mortality… It's so fucking poetic that it would seem contrived if you tried to use it for a short story or something.

Lance died at 40 and I was celebrating my 40th. Most of the people there were in a good party mood, part of the party was somber. Some folks had fun despite themselves and then felt guilty. Mourning is a tricky thing filled with the potential for self-hate.

As I mentioned, I got the news as I was shutting down the computer as I left my house for the party. In the car ride over, I got a call and a text. I freaked out a little asking how I should deal. Should I bring it up? What if I knew they didn't know? Should I turn my party into a memorial?

I got good advice from my people. Try to have a fun party. Don't bring it up but talk to people if they do. Let party guests tell each other and do what they need to do. We have the rest of our lives to mourn.

Many of the people there who knew Lance hung out with each other, but they probably would have done that anyway. I couldn't tell if they were mourning or just having a mini Epicenter reunion. Occasionally someone would come up to me and I could see they were teary and red-eyed. We'd acknowledge the obvious, and try to smile. We'd show some muted and socially awkward signs that we were glad the other person was alive and in our lives. Then we'd move on.

I felt bad the next day when I found out a few people, that I assumed knew, didn't. I have many different social scenes in my life and they have different styles of mourning.. Some would have been loud and aggressive, trying to make the world stop with their outward pain. The old Epicenter crowd is quieter, more stoic, less likely to call attention to themselves. I'm sure many people at the party had no idea that others there had just gotten very bad news.

The advice I got was good even if it didn't stop my own mixed feelings from creeping in. We do have the rest of our lives to mourn our dead. A San Francisco memorial for Lance is being organized and that will be a better place to remember him. Weirdly though, it was kind of an honor to share my 40th with Lance's memory.

I'm not sure I did him exactly right by him. Should I have said something from the stage? Had a moment of silence? But he was taking space in the hearts of all of us who knew him, publicly acknowledged or not. I'm glad I was around those folks. Even if my focus was elsewhere, it was comforting to look around and see other folks with their own internal struggles of mourning vs. celebrating written lightly on their faces, decipherable only to the other people who shared the pain.

Comments

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

You're a good friend and you did exactly right. Don't/didn't know Lance but he sounds like a cool guy, and what cool guy wouldn't prefer to have a great party rather than an awkward moment of silence?

[lizsybarite.livejournal.com]

what cool guy wouldn't prefer to have a great party rather than an awkward moment of silence?

EXACTLY.

I sort of hate moments of silence. They feel contrived.

[rosetta--stone.livejournal.com]

and yet some of my most awkward moments of silence have been at contrived parties?

[lizsybarite.livejournal.com]

Heh. Too true.

yep, I agree

[hammerhead.livejournal.com]

Of course I wasn't there -- I don't really go to parties. But I don't know if turning a celebration into a memorial is the best idea. As you said, we've got the rest of our lives to remember the folks we've lost.

btw: I turn 40 in December. Weird feeling, eh? I remember when 30 sounded _really old_

[uberconfused.livejournal.com]

From the sounds of it--and I didn't know him at all--Lance wouldn't have been happy feeling like he'd taken a moment away from *you* either. It's rotten timing, but so much of life is, and I think it's perfectly ok that you made your 40th birthday party about you.

[lizsybarite.livejournal.com]

I don't see any reason why you should feel that you didn't do exactly right by him. I'm glad you enjoyed your birthday party even though there was sadness in your heart.

This resonated with me quite a lot, actually. Exactly two minutes before our wedding ceremony, a family member came up to the little room where I was hiding out and kind of cornered me: she wanted us to either dedicate our wedding to my (deceased) mother, or start it off with a moment of silence. Something like that. (She had asked the night before, too, and we'd gently said no then, too... and I'm told she spoke to our officiant before cornering ME... I suppose she thought that a last-minute appeal would work better? Ugh!)

I gently said, again, that we were happy with the ceremony as-is and that I felt confident that my mother would be remembered. (And she was, in my father's toast and also in personal conversations we had throughout the evening with guests.) I also murmured something about it being a wholly secular ceremony and that a moment of silence felt like pushing prayer, but the main reason was purely selfish: we didn't want to start on a downer.

To her credit, my family member didn't say anything negative afterward or act put out that we declined to follow her (pushy, wholly inappropriate) suggestion - heh, she was too drunk to hold a grudge. But, yeesh. I DID entertain a moment of self-doubt and it sucked... like I had to question everything we were about to do. I'm sure a moment of silence or a dedication wouldn't have been a BAD thing, but ultimately, we just wanted to celebrate, and we think my mother would have wanted that as well. And we were both more than pleased with the way things went.

[jinxremoving.livejournal.com]

Oh, that is a really awkward situation for someone to put you in. I'm sorry.

[lapsed.livejournal.com]

I think I'm glad I didn't know. A lot of what Lance was going through hit me really close to home because it paralleled much of what I went through with my dad. I'm not sure how much of my sadness this week is tied to that and how much is just missing a friend I always thought I'd bump into on the street some day when I wasn't looking. But I think if I'd known at the party, with so many other people there who'd known him too, I'd have totally lost my shit.

[tiredshaw.livejournal.com]

I know that Lance wouldn't have been comfortable with any moments of silence or whatever. He never seemed to be scared of death. He was just the type of person that was concerned with moving forward, regardless of the circumstances.

commentary form someone else who never knew him

[redshrike.livejournal.com]

i could tell that there was something that was keeping some people from being raucously celebratory, but they were mostly people i didn't know. if i had known you were grieving a friend, i would have said something. but i didn't, so i didn't. as it was, you were being respectful of the people who came to show their appreciation of you. it worked; it was still a birthday party for you, which was important. people did still have fun, and that was important, too.

celebrating life isn't disrespectful of the beloved dead. and giving lance his own time and place for remembrance, his own memorial, sounds more appropriate to me.

i'm sorry you lost such a good guy.

[momtart.livejournal.com]

YK, I'm really far away from all of this, I didn't know him and I kind of don't know you either, and from my perspective it's obvious you really liked the guy and were sad that he was gone and you seem to be a nice, sensitive, emotionally aware kind of a guy, respectful and sweet, and I think it's ok, what you did. It was your birthday. It was a big day for you.

[jinxremoving.livejournal.com]

it was comforting to look around and see other folks with their own internal struggles of mourning vs. celebrating written lightly on their faces, decipherable only to the other people who shared the pain.

I love the way you put things. I think your people's advice was right, too.

With the woman I knew who died recently, I didn't know sometimes whether I should break the news to people or not.

And last night I worked with someone whose birthday it was. And this morning she was going to attend her father's funeral. It feels like it's all happening at this time of year.

[voorhas.livejournal.com]

I think Feelings on a Grid were able to take charge of the emotion in the room...at least among those of us that knew Lance...and shift it. From sadness to giddy/goofy exhilaration, at least while they were on stage and capering about in their get-ups.

It was the perfect place to be: in front of the stage, watching that band with that group of people. I'm glad I was a part of it.