Identity confusion
Jan. 5th, 2003 10:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gordonzolaA grad student friend of mine is doing her thesis on platonic relationships between mixed gender, queer/straight friends. When I asked a co-worker/friend to take part in the interview with me she said, "What are you talking about? You’re not straight."
A couple of months ago at a party, I was talking to a different co-worker’s girlfriend. She had just returned from a family visit and was talking about how good her mother had finally gotten about her being a big ol’ dyke and what a change that was. Then she asked me, "So how did your parents react when you came out?"
I’m not often at a loss for words but I really didn’t know what to say. In the 30 seconds to a minute of silence that followed, I realized that I met her through my queer punk friends and got to know her through her girlfriend and she didn’t really have "straight context" for me. I also didn’t wanna come off as offended or weird; I love it when I get read as queer. I’m just often surprised when it happens at a non-specifically queer event. But I also feel uncomfortable about claiming a queer identity when I haven’t met some of the fairly basic requirements. After I managed to mumble something like, "I don’t really sleep with boys you know?" she replied, "Yeah, but your not exactly normal either."
The funny thing is that she was partially right. I actually did come out to my parents. When J and I had our 10 year anniversary party in the woods, we were very upfront in our invitation* about our non-monogamy and J’s bisexuality as a way of not falling into the trap of our hetero union making other relationships invisible (and not privileging people in relationships over others). I was planning on explaining this stuff to my parents before we sent out the invites but my sister, in order to "help", told them her weird, not-based-in-reality version of our relationship, and I had to meet with them quickly to do emergency damage control. ("No, I’m not in a group marriage with my entire collective household. . . ")
I haven’t lived in an all-straight household in over 11 years of collective living situations. And I’ve been accused of over-processing by lesbos** and being too slutty by fags, so I have some qualifications. But I’m wary of the "Pat Freeman"*** syndrome. "Pat" was someone I went to college with. He was one of those icky middle class, straight, able-bodied, white men who claimed to feel like working class, disabled, Black lesbians. He even changed his name to "Pat Freemyn"**** so as not to oppress anyone.
That’s one of the reasons I’ve always been wary of identifying as queer even when my queer friends tell me I should. Of course, I also think a little identity confusion is a good thing as it keeps one from claiming the type of identity politics that have pretty much reached a dead end these days. I’ve kinda learned to like the weird, hard-to-describe-in-a-short-phrase, non-identity space I occupy around sexuality. I guess I’ve had to.
Either that or I just need to work on the fucking boys thing.
*It was more of a manifesto in all honesty.
**You were a lesbo at the time SK so I’m counting you, but you’re not the only one.
***Name changed to protect the guilty.
****This was the mid-‘80s remember.
A couple of months ago at a party, I was talking to a different co-worker’s girlfriend. She had just returned from a family visit and was talking about how good her mother had finally gotten about her being a big ol’ dyke and what a change that was. Then she asked me, "So how did your parents react when you came out?"
I’m not often at a loss for words but I really didn’t know what to say. In the 30 seconds to a minute of silence that followed, I realized that I met her through my queer punk friends and got to know her through her girlfriend and she didn’t really have "straight context" for me. I also didn’t wanna come off as offended or weird; I love it when I get read as queer. I’m just often surprised when it happens at a non-specifically queer event. But I also feel uncomfortable about claiming a queer identity when I haven’t met some of the fairly basic requirements. After I managed to mumble something like, "I don’t really sleep with boys you know?" she replied, "Yeah, but your not exactly normal either."
The funny thing is that she was partially right. I actually did come out to my parents. When J and I had our 10 year anniversary party in the woods, we were very upfront in our invitation* about our non-monogamy and J’s bisexuality as a way of not falling into the trap of our hetero union making other relationships invisible (and not privileging people in relationships over others). I was planning on explaining this stuff to my parents before we sent out the invites but my sister, in order to "help", told them her weird, not-based-in-reality version of our relationship, and I had to meet with them quickly to do emergency damage control. ("No, I’m not in a group marriage with my entire collective household. . . ")
I haven’t lived in an all-straight household in over 11 years of collective living situations. And I’ve been accused of over-processing by lesbos** and being too slutty by fags, so I have some qualifications. But I’m wary of the "Pat Freeman"*** syndrome. "Pat" was someone I went to college with. He was one of those icky middle class, straight, able-bodied, white men who claimed to feel like working class, disabled, Black lesbians. He even changed his name to "Pat Freemyn"**** so as not to oppress anyone.
That’s one of the reasons I’ve always been wary of identifying as queer even when my queer friends tell me I should. Of course, I also think a little identity confusion is a good thing as it keeps one from claiming the type of identity politics that have pretty much reached a dead end these days. I’ve kinda learned to like the weird, hard-to-describe-in-a-short-phrase, non-identity space I occupy around sexuality. I guess I’ve had to.
Either that or I just need to work on the fucking boys thing.
*It was more of a manifesto in all honesty.
**You were a lesbo at the time SK so I’m counting you, but you’re not the only one.
***Name changed to protect the guilty.
****This was the mid-‘80s remember.
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no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 11:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 11:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 11:16 am (UTC)And I don't know why you're protecting that dickwad, Brett Beemyn.
And I'd recommend working on the fucking boys thing.
-J
no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 12:24 pm (UTC)I knew our lives would have to collide eventually. Assuming it's the same guy...
no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 12:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 03:19 pm (UTC)I want gossip or amusing stories!
no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 11:57 am (UTC)But yeah, I'm the queen queer of my campus queer group and I swear I'm trying to deprogram half the kids. I just assumed the things I used to say when I was in high school would have faded out by now, but it's like, gay positivity 1994-xxxx. Stuff is weird and labels are like, a starting point, a common denominator, wait no. UGH, I don't know WHY I dig math analogies so much when I hate the subject itself.
Oi! I'm procrastinating in yet another lj comment! Everytime I do this I think I should just like, delete the comment but then my mind gets all indignant that I wrote this whole thing that could not be used at all anywhere else in a proper context.
SO HAH
xo
see-Onnie
no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 02:44 pm (UTC)Rrowr.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxxo
no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 03:20 pm (UTC)nice new user pic, btw.
Re:
Date: 2003-01-05 03:26 pm (UTC)Hey, when you're here, let's pool our money and hire you a gay hustler! Maybe we can find some little meth-whore who will screw you for a couple of lines of cheap-ass nasty crank. Then we can all go to Neighbors and you two can dance with your shirts off. Eh?
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxox
no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 03:04 pm (UTC)anyways, i have a couple friends like that, who some of my other friends have dubbed "honorary queers" because they are cool and smart and have tons of queer friends. i always figure i'll just leave it up to them to decide what to call themselves. heh.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 03:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 09:12 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-01-05 11:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 03:22 pm (UTC)I think it's really funny no one commented on this typo.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 03:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 05:38 pm (UTC)This has happened to me several times. I'm not sure why. A tranny friend of mine gave me honorary queer status not long ago. I don't know why I'm an "honorary" queer or why I feel awkward when people I identify me as queer, considering that I have had queer relations over the years. It's all very confusing.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 09:14 pm (UTC)oh, and tomorrow I'm gonna tell a related Louisville anecdote.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 07:24 pm (UTC)your a flirty flirt that flirts with your whole lj audience by saying that. At least that's how it comes across to me. You may not mean it to sound like that.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 09:10 pm (UTC)But, anonymous, you should note that I said I've been accused of it, not that it's accurate. And the whole point is that there's a lot of play in the whole assumption/definition thing.
But flirting on the internet? I've never heard of such a thing. . .
no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 08:18 pm (UTC)we would have conversations about sexuality (well, mostly her yapping and me hunkered down staring holes through the wall), and she would say things like "once you have a relationship with a girl your whole world is going to change." of course, by this time i was already slutting up half the cheerleading squad, but that wasn't something i was going to open up for our john bradshaw-ish, "i'm ok, you're ok" interrogation scenes.
*ahem*
i guess my point is that i've never really put that much thought into my outward sexual identity. i suppose that part of it is because i'm kind of lazy, part of it is that i'm somewhat guilty of living in the love bubble of san francisco where such armor isn't needed as much and yet ANOTHER part is that i've always felt that such "i am" statements were a bit confining. or maybe i'm just rebelling against my mother.
it's funny, i was just thinking about this the other day as i was packing up the minivan with my kids, my boyfriend and my girlfriend. i suppose most of the reason why i don't feel i need to identify as anything is because i'm sort of riding on the coat tails of all the queers before me.
um, am i making any sense?
no subject
Date: 2003-01-05 09:04 pm (UTC)By the way, I've been reading more of your web site. I love your writng style.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-06 11:08 am (UTC)time to write a zine all about it!
and may i agreee the word "honorary" is quite creepfest especially in the context of people being honorarily minority-ized. *shiver*
i only use that word "honorary" to let people know they are mensos or mensas which of course means they are honorary members of mensa. aw yeah! (i love the total polar espanol vs. english meaning of that word--it let's me get away with insulting idiots to their face while they think i am applauding their intelligence. suckas!)
Re: time to write a zine all about it!
Date: 2003-01-05 11:52 pm (UTC)Uh oh. Now that the illusion is ruined, will you still go drinking with me?
Re: time to write a zine all about it!
Date: 2003-01-06 12:30 am (UTC)Re: time to write a zine all about it!
Date: 2003-01-06 08:38 am (UTC)Um, hello?