A cause of affliction or calamity

[gordonzola]

I woke up this morning with a word in my head. That word is "scourge" and my favorite definition of it is the title of this entry. I began reflecting on what scourges have affected my life. It is with that in mind that I’ve decided to do a post on one of the worst scourges for any "up and coming" urban neighborhood: theme restaurants.

Now, I’m not talking about big chains or places like Hooters or anything. I mean hip, trendy restaurants that almost by definition last no more than a few months or a year, but can change a street dramatically by making it a wacky destination for people from outside the neighborhood. I’m not even trying to make a big point about gentrification here. It’s usually well on its way by the time a themed business wants to open up. There’s just something unsettling about a place of business that makes the locals shake their heads in wonder, but draws, or attempts to draw, fancy people dismayed at the lack of valet parking at the same time they’re thrilled at the "danger" of walking past the urban decay with their dates.*

When I lived at Valencia and 16th in the House of Failure, that area was ground zero for theme restaurants. I actually got into my first internet flame war on the SF Bay Guardian site about Take Orders a military-themed restaurant that replaced Aunt Mary’s my favorite diner in the whole Bay Area. I try so hard to not be dogmatic, but a military-themed restaurant is just wrong. Unless of course they’re going to go all the way and do it institutional cafeteria-style or just serve everyone those GI "Meals Ready to Eat". And they could play bloody war footage or clips from war movies on big screen TVs too.

But I digress.

My first exposure to theme-businesses was military one also. When I lived in an upstate NY college town, someone opened a frat bar called the Bomb Shelter in the locals’ part of town. The painted it camouflage and had waitress in short, breast-displaying camo outfits. Late one night jactitation and I were awakened by a banging on our window. After the obligatory what-the-fuck?s, I opened the shade to see a huge, burning American flag. Two giddy friends were waving it and nearly setting Jacco’s apartment on fire. After spray-painting the Bomb Shelter with the slogan "War is not a happy hour!", they stole the bar’s huge flag and were destroying the evidence.

But the Valencia and 16th restaurant that really made the whole concept seem hateful was when Moptops opened beneath my beloved and behated House of Failure. Thankfully I had moved out a few months previously when the retail space had been a techno-ish sushi "club", so I got to witness Moptops from afar. And really, the concept is kind of amusing when you think about it. A Mersey Beat-themed oyster bar? I know when I wanna eat some bivalves, I think of the fresh, clean waters of Liverpool, England. Yum.

It was run by a Japanese junkie with a Beatles haircut who eventually got caught by health inspectors shooting up in the kitchen. Double yum.

The theme restaurant scourge seems unstoppable for awhile. So much so, that jactitation and I spent hours at bars dreaming up new theme restaurants that we could open and make huge profits only to close them down a year later and open a new one. You gotta keep it fresh, you know. We discovered that every institutional setting has potential.

My favorites?**

The Hospital White and sterile and staffed by hot nurses and doctors.*** Customers lie in beds. TVs are mounted on the walls and ceilings showing cool music videos. Walkers would be issued if one needs to use the restroom. At the bar, drinks are served via IV.

The Library Books on all the tables. Main counter looking like a reference desk. Service staff dressed in modified librarian drag: glasses and sensible clothes modified with slit skirts and important cleavage cuts. Meals would be served in backpacks and you have to sneak your food while the "librarians" aren’t looking.

High School Cafeteria style. No wait people, but staff is hired to act like Jocks, Nerds, Drama Kids, and Stoners. You get your food and try to find an open seat while different cliques belittle you based on your appearance. One randomly timed food fight per night, but spitwads can be fired at anytime. Possible crossover with the splosh (not work-safe) crowd.

But really, I just don’t have the drive to open a horrible restaurant for horrible people. If anyone wants to open any of these places, you have my blessing. 5% each off the top for Jacco and myself would just be common courtesy though.



*One of my favorite, now closed, restaurants was the Korean Cabin on Mission and 18th. It was reviewed positively in the Chronicle but the reviewer actually said something to the effect of, "There’s no parking, so hold your briefcases and handbags tight on your way to the restaurant."

**Please feel free to post your own themes as comments. It’s really fun once you get going.

***Sexist yes. But the theme restaurant relies on dominant cultural references if it is to succeed. This whole exercise was a cynical ploy to fund the revolution. Or at least to let me escape working for a living.

Comments

Mental hospital theme resturant

[tristn.livejournal.com]

There could be a marin general hospital unit A and B theme. This would consist of all the walls being painted a "soothing" pastel color. The costomers could be assigned mental illnesses based on what ever political or personality characteristic that the people that they came with decided they didn't like about them. In unit A the costomers would be given forms to fill out where all of the food is listed for every meal and they would have to circle with a pencil what they wanted to order. The food is actually not too bad and sometimes you can even get broiled salmon with a wild rice pilaf. You can also order more than one desert per meal. You can also trade with you fellow patients food you don't want but they do. Annoyingly though if you have food allergies you would be required to wear a hospital band that states what your food allergies are but the food you order will still consist at least partly of what you are allergic to. It will also most likely contain MSG and there's no way it will be organic. If a costumer really is getting into their role as a patient and they are to incapacitated to fill out the menu/form one of the nurses/actors/servers would fill it out for them. If they are really poor and don't have any insurance they would only be allowed to stay in unit B for a little while because it is funded by the county not the state and the county. In there their food choices would be limited to cheap frozen t.v. dinners which they would be very thankful for because it's likely that they were just living on the streets before they came to the hospital. There would be actors playing nurses walking around with med carts with psych meds in little paper cups which are really just pez candy. If a costomer refused to take there psych meds and they were getting really out of control they would be pined down by five actors playing nurses and the "nurses" would pretend to inject the "patient" with either just some haldol or maybe some haldol and a big B vitamin shot. Every one would ask each other what they were "in" for and start telling each other elaborate stories of their latest freak out. It could be a story about them speeding across the golden gate at 100 miles and hour swerving through traffic. Maybe it’s a story about a house wife going nuts from lack of any real goals and aspirations in her life for herself and not her kids. Every one would sit at different tables according to wellness/ability to function level. The maniacs would tend to stick with the other maniacs. The costomers would have to vote as a group on which video to watch that everyone had already seen before. The doors to the outside would all be locked and you would have to wait for the doctor/actor to give you permission to leave because you are well for the meantime according to him or her and also because you have run out of insurance money ie money to pay for food. There would be tons of free gram crackers and peanut butter and jelly to eat when ever you want as well as free coffee and orange juice out of a fountain. A lot of the people you meet there would all seam really fun and interesting when you are locked up together and you tend to bond over your common repression but when you try to maintain friendships on the outside they all seam to forget that it was just a mental hospital theme restaurant and they keep playing their roles and eating too many pez candies while you go back to acting normal and getting on with your life.